To start with, I’m foreshadowing the fact that this is going to be a long rant. So stop reading and ignore it if you’re not in the mood right now. Anyway. I hope that you are doing well, even if you are not, remember that nothing really lasts forever, it is a bad time, and this too shall pass. And hey! Joy is here, so c’mon everything will be about rainbows and unicorns and fairies and pixie dust. That was pure imagination-imagery-whatevs, haha. Coming back to the point, this is a gloomy dark world, only if we perceive it that way. Opinions depend on our interpretations that our brain makes, not on the inverted images that form on our retina. Do I talk metaphors way too much? May be I shouldn’t. But that’s what I do yar. You gotta accept me this way.
You said that you couldn’t trust anyone because of some stuff that happened. And you know what? It is human nature. We stereotype situations, people, and things based on our past experiences. Like.. There must be some restaurant that you don’t like… it’s not because you don’t like it… It’s because their food is pretty crappy, or their service is not satisfactory. So it’s alright. Trust issues are normal. Everybody has them. Sometimes, about some things. But everyone you meet has gone through something that you don’t know and hey that’s perfectly alright if they are uncomfortable with something.
Moving on, you said that talking to people exhausts you and you just don’t have the strength. May I add something to this? The strength to deal with the drama and the bullshit that they excrete. Exactly. Once we are used to stay in our own company, talking to people becomes something to procrastinate about. We feel lazy, and we justify it by labeling people tiresome. They are, there’s no doubt there. I feel the same way. But then gayhoon kay saath ghun bhi pis jata hai. Aap ek hi lakri se saaray dunbon ko nahi haankty. We can not treat every single person in just one way. Not all people are the same. To cope with this thing, I think you should take a break. Staying away from things that annoy your mind’s peace is sometimes the best option. Well… Because of this, you pushed people away and lost so many genuinely loving beings. That’s okay. Well. You did what seemed best. You cared about yourself first and that is one nice thing, to prioritize your own self first. We’re programmed this way. It was okay until you started to get used to push people away. It started to seem “normal” to you. Despite the fact that it wasn’t. And as far as I can guess, they must have called you proud and attitude wali larki because of this. But those knuckleheads didn’t know the whole story. You remember I called you real life Elsa? Well Elsa thought it was normal to close the doors of her castle, to close herself to Anna. She didn’t even know what Anna went through. But Elsa herself was so afraid of her evil side (in your case it was your experience) that all she ever wanted was other people to stay safe from her. It eventually ended up hurting them emotionally if not physically. Elsa was okay with it even when she didn’t know it was happening. You were too. It was okay. I just realized that you don’t like Frozen. My whole analogy is ruined. But I hope you get the point.
Attachments scare you just like they used to frighten me. But then I realized that all my life, I changed friends whenever the need came so there must be this ability in me to move on. To not let people affect me. But they did anyway. They still do. I don’t forget them. I don’t forget what they did. But I do have this thing to move in and out of relationships with people almost as if they didn’t matter in the first place. Why? Because I know I’m a wild wolf and at any given moment, if I get into a fight with someone, they are dead in my head. So yeah. I always know beforehand whether there’s a future of a friendship or not. A friend of mine once said, she loathes addiction. I realized later that attachments when turn into addictions cause destruction. And they do. I’m certain about this. This happened to me and I had to turn my shards into a mosaic. This me that you talk to is not the me I was five years ago. Attachments scare us because we give a part of our life and our brain to particular people, and we have this fear of the unknown, that what if they are not there anymore? It is the fear of a gap, a gap that we think cannot be filled, but eventually it does, with better people. We cannot own people, my friend. They are not pets. They are meant to be there for a period of time and then they are not. At that moment, you should be, being a functional member of the society, in control of yourself. Don’t let people or relations drive you. I learnt it the hard way.
You asked me what if someone is comfortable being sad. I thought about it. I didn’t get an answer. This one day, my teacher was teaching excerpts of Francis Bacon. During the lecture, he said something so ironic and so true, I and my friend were startled. He said “We are so used to shadows and comfortable in them, because they are dark and we can hide in them”. I usually do not get dense words, but that day I did. I somehow got the point. And that is right. When we are used to the darkness of our room, even the dullest screen dazzles our eyes in the morning. So yeah. Sadness is the same way. You always need happiness to live. With Sadness you can only survive, but you can’t live. There is a huge difference between surviving and living.
You feel vulnerable because you think that people might see through you and judge you and know what’s wrong with you. I know the reason. It’s your art. Your art is so brutally expressive that you think that people around you will know everything. When in reality, it is okay. All artists go through that, but that should not make them vulnerable. It should give them strength. If you really want to make it out alive, you have to not give a damn about people. People are created to fulfill the purpose of judging you, hence they are a part of nature. And guess what? This isn’t Counter Strike and we cannot eliminate them. Sed lyf.
You think that if they get to know about you, you’ll lose everything. But why would you lose? They are not snatching anything from you, are they? You don’t have to fear. Nobody will ever get to know things that you don’t want to let anyone know. That is the benefit of Art. You can pretend that its fiction. When it’s not and you’re kidding. Does that make you a liar? Absolutely not. It’s just that you don’t want people to know you that well and hence you create a limitless boundary. Paradox? Yeah, a paradox that makes sense. There are “things” that you want to keep hidden. Things that you yourself are “denying”. Listen. If they are bothering you, and you can’t open up about them to your confidante, you should write them on paper and burn it into ashes. That will make peace within you. Try it out. And if telling someone does any good, do that. Find any of your closest friends and open up. Keeping things in causes chaos and nothing else. Or… if you have guts, confront your fears. Take revenge. It’s okay. When I was in kindergarten, this one girl who was also my neighbor, kept on bullying me. Then one day I found her alone with her new bottle that she was showing off earlier that day and I hit her on the head. After failing for consecutive five years, she was kicked outta school. Moral: Do not mess with me or my friends. Hah. Sooooo yeah. That’s pretty much it. Am I scary? I am not, right?
Now if you want to change all this… take a deep breath and then work on it. Achanak se (suddenly) tables can’t be turned. Ahista ahista (slowly) everything will be alright and you know what… You are an amazing person all over. Don’t let that inner judge tell you anything different.
[A letter that I wrote to someone I adore to calm her down. Later on she permitted me to post this after editing. And here it is. Work on any of the suggestions that you like. Thanks for reading a long tiring post.]